OK, so I am now officially the fattest I have ever been.
I am not telling you this in an effort to get you to write back and say nice things about me (although you're always welcome to do that), but I need to get it out there. I need to address the elephant in the room (a fitting metaphor). I need an intervention. I need to be on the Dr. Phil show, and have him say, "Randi, your case is so severe that we have arranged for this team of professionals to whisk you away to a fat camp where you will do push-ups all day long and be fed nothing but celery and water. Are you willing to walk out of here right now and go with them?" There I am, tears dripping from my multiple chins, my flab rippling from the strain of trying to compose myself, my sobs stretching the word "yes" into four or five syllables.
How serious is this? I went to the optometrist the other day to get some new glasses, and after checking out the health of my retinas, he explained that for significantly nearsighted individuals like myself, retinas can get worn down, thin, and potentially detach. He said that my retinas, however, were surprisingly nice and thick, especially considering how blind I am. You hear that, people? Even my RETINAS are fat.
What makes me the angriest is that I worked really hard while I was in Boston to get into shape. I went to the gym every day. I got off the bus a few stops before my destination and walked, even during the winter when the snow came up to my thighs, and even during the summer when the humidity was in the 90s. I was determined to get myself healthy. I lost about 20 lbs. I'm sure I could have lost more, but hey. I have never been one to turn down pizza and cupcakes.
Then I decided to become a pastry chef. I moved to Portland, and for the first few months I continued to exercise regularly. I even started running, which I despised, but I did it anyway. I probably ran about 3 or 4 miles 6 days a week. I lost another 10 lbs. or so, and I was so proud of myself. I was still chubby, but I felt good. My arms didn't flap so much anymore. I was beginning to catch a glimpse of what my muscles looked like under all those layers of chunk. I wish I had taken more pictures during those months. Very little photographic evidence exists of this period in my life. You'll just have to take my word for it.
Oh, man, but then we started learning how to make ice cream, and then we made danish...have you ever had a danish or a croissant right out of the oven? It blew my freaking mind. Then it was caramels, and chocolates, and cakes, and other Frenchie desserts that I can't remember how to spell right now...
The end of the story is that I gained back everything I had lost, plus a cool 20. All of that hard work GONE. All of those mornings I hauled myself out of bed to go running...all of those sore muscles...all of those nasty carrot sticks I ate because they were good for me...totally wasted. As if it never happened.
And it's not just my pride that is hurt. In February, I had some minor surgery to remove a fibroid from my lady parts (details available upon request) and before the surgery, I had to have some blood work done. The result? High cholesterol. Almost high, anyway. Two points away from high. I'm only 33, for crying out loud.
I need to get serious about this, and I need to get serious right now. The problem is that I have a really good memory, and I can recall exactly how much effort it took for me to get to that point where I was happy with how I looked. That mountain is just too tall to climb, so I go watch TV instead. Plus, I am on my feet all day long at work. The last thing I want to do after work is go to the gym for another hour or so on my feet. But then I think about my BFF Rebecca, who was so determined to get healthy that every blessed day she packed up her 3 little kids along with toys, snacks, diapers, swim gear, water, towels, you name it--and went to the little gym at her apartment complex where there WASN'T a place where you could drop off your kids so you could have a nice, uninterrupted work out. Somehow between diaper changes, breaking up disputes over toys, TV, what have you, this amazing woman lost over 30 lbs. I have seen with my own eyes how much effort it took for her to accomplish this incredible feat. I have seen how long it took to get those bags packed and those kids out the door. All my excuses start looking pretty damn flimsy when I think about her and what she has accomplished.
I have to do it, people. I have to do it. Hold me accountable. Don't give me any of that "Aw, it must be so hard to be disciplined when you're surrounded by warm chocolate chip cookies all day long." (It is, by the way.) But don't indulge me. Smack me around and give me nothing but tough love. Tell me that I'm a lard ass and that you are ashamed to be seen with me in my current grotesque and hideous state. (Carrie and C Nash, this should be easy for you.) Help me keep my eyes on the prize.
11 comments:
Listen, cupcake. Enough is enough. Get up off your cream puff, stretch out those eclairs you call legs and MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!
(How was that? I'm working on my tough love parenting skills.)
One of the major drawbacks to having a bachelor's in P.E. is being fully aware of all the crap you're supposed to do to stay healthy. Pair that with a strong sense of guilt and a naturally skinny spouse (never marry a man with calves smaller than yours--it does not bode well for the future), and I find myself pretty well motivated to work out regularly. I am also blessed with a gym membership with a fantastic day care, cable TV, and private showers where no one under the age of 19 is allowed. Still, I have to admit that trying to lose weight REALLY SUCKS! (Having had to lose the same 40 lbs three times now, the prospect of doing it again in a few months is not very appealing. And all that work is just to pull myself out of the "clinically obese" category back into just being "overweight". Grrrr.) Did you know that the only part of your body that naturally loses fat as you age is the soles of your feet? So, as part of your intervention team, and someone who wants you in the best of health for many years to come for my own selfish reasons, my advice is to buy some good insoles for those neglected running shoes and get your butt in gear! If I can waddle my way to the gym 4 days a week at 8 months pregnant, so can you! Or, if you need some more concrete motivation, buy yourself a bikini and force yourself to try it on and look in a full-length mirror everyday. That ought to do the trick.
Alicia and I did weightwatchers online. I dropped 33 pounds (I've put at least 8 back on) and Alicia dropped 30 pounds all from January until April. We loved it, it taught us a lot about eating right....that being said you are a lard ass and you should be ashamed of yourself. I don't want to be seen with you in your current grotesque and hideous state.
Do you remember that one time I inadvertently called you fat? I hope you don't, but it is seared on my brain as one of the times I wished I could crawl into a big gaping hole and simultaneously hug and pet you and tell you that was NOT what I meant.
That said, you did tell me that the best chefs are never skinny. So hurrah! Fabulous chef!
Anyway, since January I've lost about 15 pounds. That's on top of the 40 I lost since my heaviest weight. I'm just going to spew forth here with what I've been doing (and I have a weight loss blog too).
I am able to exert my fantastic willpower most days because I purposely do not surround myself with sweets. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. I myself would dive into your molten chocolate cake pre-culinary school so I would probably have no restraint around anything you make now.
I get up most mornings really early and swim laps at the Y. It's gotten to the point when if I don't workout, I miss it and try to schedule in SOME sort of physical activity later in the day. I am a sick woman.
I also clock ALL of my calorie intake on sparkpeople.com (because it's free). If I don't monitor what I eat, I sorely underestimate what I'm feeding myself. I also give myself certain nutrition goals - like eating 3 servings of fruit and 5 servings of vegetables a day. I don't hit them every day, but they're goals in the back of my mind as I'm deciding what to eat.
The key for me is to make sure I'm eating enough calories. A lot of people starve themselves, but you need calories to go and you also need calories so that your body doesn't think it's starving and hold onto every little thing. Because that pretty much defeats the purpose. Not only are you miserable and hungry, but you're GAINING weight. I've had that. Right now I eat 1500-2200 calories a day. As long as you don't exist solely on pastries, 2200 is a freakin' lot of calories.
The thing is, I'm realistic too. Generally I eat really healthy, but I let myself splurge occasionally. Yesterday I had brunch foods AND went to a wedding and ate lots of cheese. Yum! As long as I know that's not every day, it's fine.
I've got your back, as does everyone who loves you and wants you to be as healthy as you can be.
On your feet, tubby! I don't want to be walking around Boston with my hand over my face so no one knows I'm with you.
Raddy McFaty,
I don't care if you're a size 45. I don't care if you never touch your toes again. I don't give a darn if your giant tripple chin hangs down with your boobs. I don't care if small children get lost in the deep crevices of cottage cheese on your thighs (unless they are MY small children of course). but I do care if you don't feel just how amazing you are. I do care if you destroy your body just because don't love yourself enough to take care of it. I do care if you die of a heart attack at 35. you need to figure out just why you stopped caring and start being grateful for the gorgeous, healthy, able body that God gave you to take care of. I love you. Thanks for saying all of those nice things, especially in light of the way you saw me eat last week! I am totally detertmined to get my but back into gear when after this baby comes...
love you
Hey, Mr. or Miss "Comment Deleted"! Identify yourself! There's always one of you every time I post. The not knowing is killing me! What did you write? Why did you change your mind? Was it that inappropriate? Stop torturing me!
Get back to running. Don't run every day--every other day, with walking or jump-rope on the in-between days. That's how I've lost 10 pounds since April(and not eating sweets, soda, etc). As for words of encouragement, get that trunk in gear for the über-skinny seats at Fenway! We didn't get 2 tickets for you.--timo
I know, I know! I know exactly what to do to lose weight. I understand the principles behind weight loss. I have lost 40 lbs. on three different occasions in my life, and I've lost 10-20 lbs. a million times. I've done it the healthy way: regular exercise and eating a sensible diet. I have never been tempted by fad diets. I refuse to do anything extreme. I also refuse to give up butter and sugar. That would never work for me. I could CERTAINLY afford to eat them a little more sparingly, but they are wonderful things created by God himself. Who am I to reject His gifts? All things in moderation.
And to all of you who have had recent success with weight loss, I'm so proud of you. I know how hard it can be, and you should be commended. I hope you'll forgive me if I'm not really in the mood to commend you right now, but it is an amazing accomplishment, and you have earned the right to be proud of yourselves.
Randi, get off your bum-bum (as Samantha calls it) and go lose some weight. But first sit here for a minute and write something new on your blog, please. I check every day, and there's still nothing new. Please write.
Then, you can haul your cookies to the gym. (Remember when you told us you were going to haul your cookies to the temple and Becky asked why you were taking cookies?)
Sweet Randi. Girl, I HEAR you. Have you checked out my (very dusty) weight loss blog? www.havebabiesgainweight.blogspot.com? That was at a time when I was more motivated to shed the belly that hangs over my pants than I am now. I get motivated a thousand times a day to really get control of my eating. Then when I pass a shiny coke machine or see the three half-gallons of ice cream in my freezer, my good intentions just go straight to hell. I will drag my fat a to the gym four times a week to work out, but can't to save my life not take seconds at dinner, or pass up on anything that may even just look like it could add to the cottage cheese effect I have going on on my rear. I, like you, know all the things to do to lose weight. But I've just got to find it deep within myself to actually do it. I've never had to lose weight like this before. I've never been a skinny-minny, but I've also never been over 200 pounds, almost weighing what I weighed when I delivered Sara Katherine. My mistake was in eating like an absolute maniac while pregnant with both my kids. Don't ever use pregnancy as a license to eat like a that...you will pay for it later, like I am now. So, let's do this together. I will vow to cut back on my Dr. Pepper/ice cream addiction if you will cut back on your warm chocolate chip cookies and homeade pastries (my heart goes afflutter just typing those words). Save up many calories so you can forget about sensible eating during your trip to Boston. (Which, btw, I am totally bummed I can't come too). Randi, you're truly one of the most beautiful people I know with something divine in you that literally pulls people toward you and makes them love you. I mean, look at these comments...look at your fan club! I want to feel good about myself again too, so let's help each other. Starting, today. :)
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