I am absolutely ON FIRE tonight, people!
I just got back from seeing Hellboy II (Review: For the genre, pretty good. Not as good as another Guillermo del Toro film, Pan's Labyrinth, which was in-freaking-credible. The dude is a Mexican Tim Burton. A lot creepier, for sure, but just as creative and brilliant.)
Anyway, I seem to have a knack for selecting seats right next to, behind, or in front of the most annoying people in the theater. When Carrie and I went to see The Queen (Review: Super!) we were practically the only ones there. It was just us and these two middle aged women. Five minutes in, we knew we were in trouble when they both exclaimed in unison, "Corgis!" The rest of the time they were like, "I remember exactly what I was doing when I heard about Princess Di's death. I was sitting at the kitchen table reading my mail..." and "Look at those cute little cars! How many miles per gallon do you figure they get?" and "Helen Mirren is so talented. Did you see Calender Girls?" SHUT UP YOU CRAZY OLD HAGS!
That's right, I said hags.
When we saw Shrek the Third (Review: Total crap, but you have to see it, right?) I was sitting next to this couple who kept making out the whole time. When we saw Wanted (Review: Bloody and gross. Didn't want to see it, but James McAvoy was in it, and I have a HUGE crush.) we sat in front of these two frat boys who reported on the action of the film as it was unfolding, like they were sportscasters. "He's going to get his gun!" and "He lives right next to the train tracks." and "Oh! Looks like he's having another anxiety attack!" SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!
Tonight we got it from all sides: Three year-old whimpering child behind us, manic text-message dude beside C Nash, and inordinately-loud laughing woman in front of us.
Here's my thing: I don't care if you talk during the previews. That's fine. Talk it up. But when the movie starts, ZIP IT! I'm not bothered by the occasional request for clarification: "What did he say?" or "Where are they?" as long as the answer takes less than 5 seconds. But if you are a chronic movie talker, then stay home! Wait 4 months and RENT the damn thing. And if you bring a child to an adult movie, shame on you. The kid tonight was freaking out, and all the adults did was say "Sh!" the whole time. Take that poor kid and go see Wall-E (which I totally plan on seeing tomorrow night, by the way.) And when I go to the movies tomorrow, I expect there to be a hundred kids talking, squealing, and asking lots of questions. They're children. It's a children's movie. I'm fine with that. But if you drag them to Hellboy and they start crying, LEAVE! For every one's sake.
And if you can't stop texting for two hours, then you shouldn't be at the movies. How about you get up, excuse yourself, have a 3 minute phone conversation, take care of business, then come back and watch the movie like a normal person.
I just don't get it. Doesn't all of this go without saying? Aren't these things that people should know instinctively? Is movie etiquette a lost art? Perhaps the bigger question is why don't I get up and change seats? Why do I sit there and take it? Why can't I turn around and kick some ass, rather than just letting out these little passive aggressive sighs of annoyance? A discussion for another day, I suppose.
6 comments:
I am TOTALLY with you on this one. I sat next to some girls in a movie once who were talking away (in full voice) during all of the previews...anoying but, oh well. Then the movie started and they hadn't finshed their conversation. I am a firm believer in the importance of the first 2 min. of the movie. Even when I rent a movie, I hate when people mill about and chit chat as the movie is starting...arg. Any decent screen writer knows how critical that firt scene is and sometimes there is imformation in the first min. that all of the rest of the movie hinges on... So these anoying girls were still talking away as the begining dialogue started and I hardly ever get out to the movies these days and I didn't pay 10 bucks to listen to them chat about who's sleeping with who, so I shushed them. They still kept talking! I shushed them really loud. I was ticked. I gave them the dirtiest look I could muster...I am usually like you and just huff and puff a little in anoyance. Why is it so hard to stand up for our movie viewing rights?
So I do I get the finger wave for taking Ethan to see Indiana Jones? I must say that for a two year old, he was very good, and we sat waaaay in the front where you break your neck looking up at the screen as to not bother anyone. I've been in movies with worse-behaved adults....like the people you seem to attract when you go see movies. :)
No, I'm talking about movies that are inappropriate for children. If Ethan was into Indiana Jones, then awesome. Every child is different. But I think if Ethan were crying and freaking out because he was scared out of his mind, you would take him out of the movie. The kid in Hellboy was losing it. He wanted OUT, and the adults he was with just kept sh-ing him. Apparently seeing that movie was more important to them than causing a little boy some obvious emotional trauma. I'm not saying that parents should stay holed up at home with their kids until they grow up. Kids are great. I love kids. Parents should take their kids to restaurants and movies and parks and whatever. Just make sure your kid can handle the movie you're taking him to. This kid totally couldn't handle it and his parents didn't care one bit. I think that's unconscionable.
Ugh, this is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves.
Some people brought a toddler and a little kid to The Happening!!! Um, hi. Rated R. There are bodies falling from the sky in the previews. What made you think that would be appropriate for your two very small kids?
I HATE seeing movies at the Boston Common theater because there are always at least fifteen people talking throughout the movie. One time I went with a couple of friends and my sassy friend turned to this couple who were having a full-on conversation next to us and told them to knock it off. They said they paid ten dollars. She said "Yeah, I paid ten dollars too. To WATCH THE MOVIE" This said as she started to get up to her full six foot height. She's not scary, you just know you don't mess with her. They shut up. It was awesome.
AMEN!
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