I've made countless attempts to implement Operation Britney Spears, Pre-Meltdown. You know...my naive and misguided belief that I can transform my fat ass into this:
I do pretty well for a week or so, but then I just can't seem to deny these basic truths:
1. Cake is delicious.
2. Broccoli tastes better with cheese sauce.
3. There is no acceptable substitute for butter.
4. Fruit makes a great dessert as long as it is baked with a crisp topping and served with ice cream.
5. As I stated before, salad makes one disappointing meal.
So I give in to these truths and let my appetites run wild. After a while I am faced with another set of truths:
1. My ass can barely fit into those seats at the ballpark.
2. Tying my shoes takes more effort than it used to.
3. I have high cholesterol.
4. Heart disease is the #1 cause of death in women, and I've got a family history of it.
5. Nobody makes cute clothes for fatties.
That last one really gets me. I went shopping a few weeks ago, and as I was walking through the average-sized ladies department, I looked around and thought, "That's cute...that's cute...that's cute." And then I made my way to the cold, dank, smelly basement where they hide the fat lady section (so that the pretty people aren't visually assaulted by the unpleasant sight of fat people shopping for clothes?) There wasn't nothin' cute down there. Everything was huge and billowy--a sea of big silky tarps/blouses meant to conceal the horrors underneath. And don't get me started on the prints. Everthing was either a) heavily bedazzled, b) grandmotherly, or c) a "big game" print--your zebra, your lion, your cheetah, your leopard, your giraffe. I enjoy an animal print, but I don't want anybody to see me and have an Ernest Hemingway moment:
It's a real shame, because I actually have an excellent fashion sense. You wouldn't know it to look at me, though, because it's all about the jeans and t-shirts these days. I refuse to wear crap like this:
The Sequined Snake:
The Chubby Streetwalker:
Tunics for Tubbies:
The Rorschach:
The Glittery Zebra:
The Portly Panther:
The "If I Could Only Look Fatter Than I Really Am":
The Stevie Nicks:
The Butterfly Cheetah:
As if I didn't feel bad enough about myself, now I have to leave the house dressed as a glittery rhino?
I need to regain control of my life, people. So starting this week, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm going to eat healthy meals, healthy snacks, incorporate some physical activity into my daily routine, and try to get to the bottom of why I sabotage myself the way I do. And every week I'm going to try eating a new vegetable--or at least a vegetable that I've tried to avoid in the past. This week it's kale. One of the old restaurants I used to work for had a pretty tasty kale salad--as tasty as kale is capable of being, that is. I'm going to try to recreate it sometime this week. I'll keep you posted.
Wish me luck!
6 comments:
I didn't even know you had posted this! I'm glad I found it because I just laughed . . . really hard. You are hilarious and honestly one of the cutest people I know. You DO have an excellent fasion sense. It is a crying shame that all those clothes don't let you show it off. What got me most was the heart disease comment. Yes, you better get eating healthy and excersising!
Remember how good you were in Boston at going to the gym and making your healthy wraps for lunch. You know how to do this. You can own this. I'll be doing it with you in a couple months. We could swap snack/meal ideas, etc. I can't wait to be able to tie my shoelaces again! Good luck Randi and I LOVE YOU!!!
Alicia
Hi dear. Thats a nice blog.best of luck
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I'm with you on this! What's for dinner tonight? Salad with fish. Tomorrow? Salad with chicken! It can get old really fast. Right now I'm trying to lose the 20 lbs I gained back this year. First time I've gained that much without being pregnant, but whatever. It's lame.
The exercise will help you way before you start to see results in the mirror. And will help reduce a lot of health risks. Or as my Dr says, I have a surprisingly healthy cardiovascular system for someone of my weight. Is that a compliment or an insult?
I like to mix my veggies into things--like soups. That way I eat them without noticing it so much. But then my kids refuse to eat it at all. That's when we pull out the blender and puree the heck out of it! If they can't see it, they can't pick it out.
One of my favorite recipes is quick, delicious and good for you, so here it is:
Black Bean Soup
1 c fresh salsa
1/8 tsp allspice
2 cans black beans, rinsed
3 c chicken broth
1-2 c cooked shredded chicken breast
Combine salsa & allspice in large saucepan. Heat for 3 minutes. Add remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil, reduce heat & simmer 10 minutes. Garnish (lightly!) with shredded cheese and crumbled tortilla chips.
Enjoy!
Just so you know, I love you and think that you are beautiful inside and out, no matter what you weigh or how out of breath you may get tying your shoes. But since I am a wee bit selfish, I'd like to keep you around as long as possible to entertain me. So get to work on getting healthier! I'm with you all the way, in spirit if not in person. And I, for one, would pay good money to see you dressed up as a butterfly cheetah for next Halloween. But by then you could be a skanky butterfly cheetah, just like Britney would.
all the best of luck girlie!!! I went to someone's house for dinner last weekend and they made Kale and White bean soup... it was really good. Do you want the recipe?? Email me at work. What are you doing this weekend? Do you want to go walking on saturday morning???
Oh, this post SPOKE to me! I need to lose 70 lbs to get to what I weighed when I got married. Since I've pretty much given up on weighing that ever again I would take just getting under 200 again and being able to wear the smaller plus sizes, for real. I hear ya girl, I hear ya. Oct-Dec is a terrible time for me food-wise. I ate treats off various treat trays for lunch and polished it off with a box of those jeno pizza roll things. THey were gross. I thought that every bite. But I ate the whole damn box anyway. I am very excited to get to SLC where I can find a food counselor who can help me get to the bottom of my food issues as well. I figure that's my best bet since I pretty much loathe all exercise that doesn't involve burning calories while shopping. I love you. Wish we lived closer. I think we could really help each other. :)
Oh my! This really made me laugh... I love your universal truths about food. They really are SOOOO true! It really does make it hard to even try to just eat the healthy, unbuttered, unfried, unpastrified (new word), untasty stuff. :)But it's so worth it, sweet Randilicious. It would probably help if you weren't so good at making things that taste so absolutely delicious. But it CAN be done. Just... so. hard. soooo. hard. Wade's best tip when he lost his 130 lbs -- report his every move. He did a daily weight report on fb. yep. he didn't say how much he actually weighed, but he said whether he had lost or gained from the previous day. He said the feedback and encouragement from friends was his most helpful tool... and counting calories and drinking energy drinks. (so lame, I know!!)
Anyway, keep writing about it, and thinking about it, and making it happen, Rand. You can do it!!!
ps. Remember when you sent an email to us roommates and asked if somebody could "haul your cookies" home from the temple? And Becky thought you really took cookies to the temple. ha. I don't know why, but this post just reminded me of that. :)
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