Alaska!

I don't remember how it came up, but one day somebody in my family (it might have been me--my brain is shot) suggested that it would be nice to take Dad on an Alaskan cruise. After my dad's last stroke, however, it seemed like an impossibility. He was in bad shape. But when the old man rallied and made the comeback of the century, we knew this was probably our last chance. I dialed up Holland America--the official cruise line of the elderly and infirm, we would soon discover--and booked a 7-day adventure for my dad, sister Lee Ann, brother-in-law Mark, and myself. Here's how it went down:

A couple of Saturdays ago, my nephew drove us all to Pier 91 in Seattle and dumped us and our gear at the curb. This is the point where I offer some friendly advice to any future cruisers out there: select someone in your group (draw straws, perhaps) to decide which one of you is going to take one for the team and break one of your legs. Trust me, you want someone in your group to be in a wheelchair. You will get some real VIP treatment. Someone led us directly past all of the suckers standing in line, helped us check in, and wheeled us aboard in under five minutes. It was amazing.

We spent the first two days at sea. Pretty boring.

Day Three: Juneau, AL

Juneau is a lovely little town. Did you know that you can't drive there? There are no roads that lead to Juneau. One must arrive via ship or plane. I find that fascinating. Anyway, we didn't do any of the big shore excursions because a) they were so freaking expensive and b) you needed to take a float plane or helicopter to get there. Since you can't get a wheelchair into a helicopter, we stayed right in the little tourist trap district near the dock, which was fine. Did you know that Alaska is where you should go to buy your big ticket jewelry items? I sure didn't. A good half of the shops on the strip were jewelry stores. Apparently in the winter months you should head to the Caribbean for your diamonds, but during the summer months, Alaska is diamond/tanzanite/alexandrite headquarters. Now you know.

Day 4: Glacier Bay

We left Juneau and cruised on up to Glacier Bay National Park (another stamp in the National Parks passport, thank you!). When we got to the mouth of the bay, a couple of National Park rangers canoed over to our ship and climbed aboard. One of them was a nice lady who narrated our journey up the bay, and the other one was a douchebag. More on that later. When Captain Vancouver navigated these waters just over 200 years ago, this area was completely covered in ice. That ice field has retreated about 65 miles since then, which they say is a lightening-fast rate, geologically speaking. The scenery was crazy beautiful up there. The waters were so still, not even a ripple. The day was my definition of perfect: about 65 degrees, sunny and clear with a slight breeze.

We cruised until we ended up in a dead-end. On the left is the Margerie Glacier; straight ahead is the Grand Pacific Glacier. It looks like land, but it's actually ice covered in a bunch of dirt. The Margerie Glacier was so spectacular. Chunks of it would "calve" off (technical term) and plunge into the water every so often, as you can see here:

This was by far the best day of the cruise. The scenery took my breath away. Have you ever seen a sight so beautiful that it brought tears to your eyes? That was how I felt as we cruised up to Glacier Bay. The park rangers were freaking out about how lucky we were--apparently a day this beautiful is rare up in these parts. Sometimes cruisers only get to see a bunch of fog. Oh, and then we got to watch a humpback whale frolicking in the water below. Amazing!

Later on the douchebag ranger treated us to a slide presentation on the flora and fauna of the region. He kept using the word "resident" and "residency" throughout his little spiel. His point was that as a resident of a particular region, one usually develops a familiarity with the local species and therefore feels invested in the success of said species. Whatever. He spent the whole time making fun of his city-slicker friend from Seattle who came up one summer to go on a kayaking adventure with him. The dude showed up with a $700 wetsuit, which the ranger mocked and said was unnecessary. Then the friend asked if he could pet one of the otters they encountered ("Ha! Little did he know that a sea otter is like The Terminator of the marine world. He will mess you up!") and then the Seattle friend asked if they could jump onto one of the humpback whales and take a ride (I assume he JOKINGLY asked this, but apparently the joke was lost on the douchebag ranger: "That's like jumping onto a freight train moving at top speed!") AND THEN the friend was STUPID ENOUGH to suggest they set up camp on one of the glaciers. What a moron! Basically, the ranger spent the whole time telling us how awesome he was and, thanks to his "resident" status, how much better he was than his city-slicker friend. I wanted to give him a good swift kick to the crotch.

Anyway...moving on.

Day 5: Sitka, AL

The small town of Sitka didn't have anywhere for our big fat ship to dock, so we parked out in the bay and they lowered the little lifeboats ("tenders" they were called--I learned so many new vocabulary words on this trip!) and shuttled us over to the town. Did you know that Sitka is the 2nd largest US city by land area? (The largest is another Alaskan city nobody has heard of: Yakutat.) They're pretty loose-y goose-y with their city limits it seems. Most of that area is unpopulated wilderness.

HOT DOG, another stamp! We walked about 3/4 of a mile to Sitka National Historic Park, where I believe the native Tlingit people once fought a war with some Russian encroachers.

Oh! And at the park we saw these little cuties:

A little electric John Deere! Could you just die from the cuteness? I must have one!

Day 6: Ketchikan, AL

Ketchikan was a snooze-fest. The most excitement we had in Ketchikan was when my dad's wheelchair broke. We were wheeling him over a little bump when one of the front wheels cracked. We were able to get him back on the ship and into a rented (at the bargain price of $100) wheelchair from the front desk. 

Moving on.

Day 7: Victoria, BC

I don't know if you know this about me, dear readers, but I hate people. Perhaps I should clarify: I hate throngs of people. I always feel a little anxiety going to concerts, baseball games, parades, firework displays, what-have-you. I have personal space issues. So perhaps you can appreciate how frazzled my nerves were when three cruise ships arrived in Victoria at the same time, docked in the same area, and dumped roughly 8,000 frenzied cruisers onto Canadian soil, who then made a mad dash to get on buses or hail cabs all at the same time. It was bedlam, people.

I had one goal in Victoria: obtain Mackintosh toffee. I remember when I was a kid we used to go to Canada all the time and bring back pallets of the stuff. I thought it was the best caramel in the world.

It used to come in a bar, as pictured above. You'd throw the box down on the ground and crack it into pieces. You had to smash it to bits first because if you tried to bite a piece off in your mouth, you wouldn't have any teeth left to chew it with. Some time in the last few years they did away with bars and moved to the individually wrapped variety. Isn't it sad when you eat something you loved in childhood only to be disappointed when it doesn't live up to the memory? Don't get me wrong, I ate every damn piece of that caramel, but each time I unwrapped one and popped it in my mouth, I shed a little tear over my lost innocence.

We arrived in Seattle bright and early the next morning. Although it was a fabulous vacation, I have never been so happy to be home. I'm glad I got to see all of the beautiful sights in Alaska; I know I couldn't have seen them any other way. That being said, I don't ever want to go on another cruise EVER. The cruising lifestyle is just not for me. I felt trapped when we were sailing the high seas. By day two, I felt like I had already seen all there was to see aboard the ship. I don't gamble, drink, or go clubbing, so there wasn't much left to do but eat. Everybody talks about all of the food there is on the cruise ship, and there certainly was a lot. I just didn't enjoy most of it. The desserts were horrible. And I got sick of eating at the same place every day, all day. It bothered me that I wasn't more in control of my vacation. There were some stops where I wanted more time and others where I thought we had TOO much time. I can see that cruising is a great way to see a variety of places in a short amount of time, but I would hate to dock in a place like Venice and be told "OK, you've got 8 hours! Be back at 9pm!" I need at least a week in a place like that. I didn't find the pace of cruising very relaxing. And then there were the crowds...I think I made myself very clear about where I stand on crowds.

But really, the whole point was to take my dad for one last hurrah before he gets called Home. The whole time we were on the cruise, it was hard to tell if my dad understood what was happening or if he was having a good time. He kept asking me where we were. When we went to eat we would always sit  by a big window so we could watch for whales (we saw dozens!) but the old man always kind of stared at his plate. He fell asleep in all of the shows and performances. But since we've been home, all he can do is talk to people about our vacation. It's kind of shocking, because he really didn't seem like he gave a rat's you-know-what while we were on the dang cruise. Old people are crazy sometimes.